Neurosurgeon’s Correspondence Course

He carefully follows the instruction sheet. 
He removes the brain. 
He places it in a Tupperware container filled with formaldehyde. 
His roommate slumps forward in the chair. 
He is thirsty. 
He gets a drink. 
He picks up the brain and pats it dry. 
He's ready to put it back and reattach it.
The cat jumps up, spilling grape juice on the instruction sheet. 
This could be a problem. 

Perhaps He Overreacted

 He is accustomed to retrieving the newspaper at precisely six thirty. It's not there. These things happen next:

• He fumes.
• He rants incoherently and jerks and twitches.
• After about a minute he begins to froth at the mouth.
• One minute after that he starts to bark and growl and gnaw at his arm.
• At three minutes he dumps a pot of hot coffee on his head.
• At four minutes he yells so loudly that his teeth fly out and stick in the wall and his wig pops off and lands on the cat.
• At five minutes he bangs his head repeatedly on the door and stomps on the floor.
• At six minutes he slaps himself in the face and wrenches his arm so hard that he dislocates his shoulder.
• At seven minutes he attempts to swallow a boot.
• At eight minutes he cuts his nose off.
• At nine minutes he drives a sharpened number three pencil into each ear.
• At ten minutes he gouges out his eyes with a spoon.
• At eleven minutes he takes a steak knife and begins to peel his skin off.
• Just then, his brother-in-law walks from the bathroom with the newspaper tucked under his arm.

Sonnets From The Truck Pull #12

I sit here, rapt, gazing into thine eyes,
As thou gorgest thyself on a corn dog.
O, how radiant art thou, Edna.
With thy glass eye slightly off-kilter
And thy other eye, lolling about.

Yea, how disconcerting it can be
To figure out what the hell thou art gazing at.
Yet that fair orb shimmers with the azure light
Of a spotlight reflected from thy nose hairs.

Thy soft breath wafts forth, light and energetic,
As though loosed from the innards of a diseased hog.
Yea, thou dost makest my wooden leg to quiver.

People With No Heads

Eat a lot of soup and yogurt (milkshakes, too). Drop it right down the esophagus.
Sucks not to have a place for eyes and ears.
Swimming is problematic.
Save money on mustache wax, tooth whitening strips, and acne medicine.
Will never have a concussion.

Tastes Like Chicken

Things have been tense since he accidentally killed and roasted her brother Will, serving him at a backyard barbecue. 

He reminds her that Will had grown a layer of feathers and developed the habit of clucking. 

She thinks he should have noticed that something was amiss when he began to pluck Will. 

He has nothing to say to that.

A Confidential Source Offers Suggestions to Improve Your Chances of Having Your Hallmark Christmas Movie Produced

 At Hallmark Christmas movie headquarters, we are up to our chestnuts in scripts. So are Lifetime and Great American Christmas and UPtv and all those other dickheads who jumped on the Christmas movie bandwagon after we turned this whole ridiculous notion into an empire. 

 

The best advice I can give you regarding your Hallmark Christmas movie script is to forget about it. It ain't gonna happen. Really, it's not. But at least 99.91% of you are going to ignore my advice, hoping against hope that a former child star from Full House will one day recite your timeless words. So here goes.

• No one in a Hallmark Christmas movie will ever do Jell-O shots off of Lacey Chabert's bare ass. What the hell is wrong with you people?
• Any sane person would rather eat glass than confront the grim spectacle of perky dipshits in period costumes offering up cheery renditions of Christmas carols. Too bad, since no Hallmark Christmas movie can exist without them. 
• On a related topic, please drop the "ha, ha, ha" bit from Jingle Bells. You might think it's cute. You're wrong.
• A role for a John Ratzenberger or Lindsay Wagner type is not necessarily a bad thing.
• Do not refer to Santa as fatf**k. Even if it's intended to be lighthearted and chummy, like a bro-guy type term of endearment. 
• All script readers begin with a CTRL-F for the word "cocoa." If it doesn't turn up multiple times (the exact number is a closely guarded trade secret), your script is a goner. 
• Chestnuts are actual nuts that are roasted and eaten during the holiday season - but only in Christmas movies. The last recorded instance of a roasted chestnut being eaten in the United States dates to 1911. Nowadays, we have food choices. Also note that using the word chestnut as a slang term for any body part (you disgusting pig) is not acceptable. 
• No Christmas pimps. Not even a benevolent one with a heart of gold who lets his "ladies" take Christmas day off.
• During the obligatory baking scene, a dab of flour on the female lead's cheek gives the male lead a solid opportunity to gaze longingly into her eyes and lightly dab the flour away (with his thumb...only the thumb). Dumping a bag of flour on the female lead is a bit much.
• In the Hallmark Christmas movie world, reality is somewhat malleable. No one thinks twice about an unattached twenty-something elementary school teacher owning a house that's worth nearly a million dollars. 
• Speaking of malleable reality, characters in a Hallmark Christmas movie must wolf down sugary treats and cocoa at a pace that would have real people in a prone position, begging for insulin.
• Hallmark has loosened our collective collars a bit. Nowdays men kiss men and women kiss women and and we still adhere to our strict policy of casting actual African-American women in the "black friend of female lead" role.
• Speaking of black, Ice-T is apparently incapable of turning down an acting job any more. So the possibility exists that he might one day appear in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Kanye West will never appear in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Not even if he gets down on his lunatic knees and begs.
•  Words you might hear on TV these days (as the moral fiber of the United States plunges toward rock bottom) but will never hear in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Bimbo, Kardashian, hussy, floozy, Democrat, Republican, scrotum, real housewife, jiggy, peel your cap back, Trump, porcelain god, Hammer Time, spliff.
• Before you even realize it, Magical Santa can cross the line and become Creepy Santa. Be careful. 
• A Hallmark Christmas movie requires snow. The actors are always careful not to trip over the polyester snow blankets, but I repeat. There must be snow. Have Yourself A Merry Little Jamaican Christmas is not gonna fly. 
• Depictions of TV poverty are okay, especially when a lead character is selflessly giving of themselves by volunteering at a surprisingly clean and tidy soup kitchen. Depictions of real poverty are not permitted, as they might cause discomfort to affluent viewers.
• No tongues.